I have been praying about sharing a painful time in my life and since I’m now healed from it,I am ready to write,blog and share about it.I do blog about my personal experiences, why leave this out.
A few months ago, I came out of a relationship with a guy I dated for 5 years on and off.There were a lot of break-ups and not something I can jump up and down about. I wish I can say “I want to take those times back, But the truth is, I wouldn’t change any of it simply because I learned a lot about myself in the relationship and about him as a person.I can honestly say that to this day, I have moments of heart wrenching pain, sadness that feels overwhelming, and tears that feel like they will fall forever. I often judged this pain as bad and thought to myself “I should be over this, why am I still feeling this much pain, I should be happy by now”, I start to “should” all over myself. Does this sound familiar? Whether its a broken heart or anything in life that feels challenging, so often I judged where I was versus just accepting it. This time though I at times feel pain in my heart, I think, “What do I really want in a relationship, in a partner and what is most important to me”. I started to realize that my life is precious, so I made a list to answer these questions.
1. Someone who believes and loves God.
2. Someone who will appreciate and accept me for Who I am.
3. Someone who will bring out the best in me.
4. Someone who will add value to my life.
5. Someone who loves themselves and is happy and content with their own life prior to being in a relationship. (This I say because if someone is not happy or content with their own life and or they don’t love themselves, Then this causes issues since they are seeking love from someone else to fulfill them instead of sharing their love with someone else. (I can get pretty deep on this subject, which is where I learned a lot.There is more to my list, But this is just a few.
I discovered that getting over a broken heart takes time, learning to open my heart again takes time, Its a process and its one that I need not take lightly. Loss is a big event in our lives and grieving a loss is what will help us to heal our hearts and bring us back to a place where we will be ready to love again. I remember after our break ups, I tried everything. I read books about relationships, self healing through a breakup, etc. Thinking that if I just work on myself, I will be able to heal my heart faster and call in my soul mate. WRONG! These were all just forms of looking outside of myself and thinking I needed to “fix” myself. I thought that if I would “fix” myself that I would be lovable and whatever I did in past relationships that didn’t work at the time, I would “fix” it. I would fix what was broken in me and then someone would really love me. The reality is that I had this backwards. As I went through the healing process, I kept hearing the words “You have to love yourself before you can love another or another can love you”. These thoughts swirled through my mind ringing Truth to me in so many ways, and they also brought to me a feeling that I would never find love until I fully, unconditionally loved myself. So yes I believe that we must love,take care and nurture ourselves and be in alignment with what our higher self wants. Loving ourselves is very important because when we stray from this, we will usually be presented with lessons when we don’t honor our own needs and start to give ourselves away, something will always be presented to us back to our center, even if its painful. I learned this the hard way. I was doing everything in my power to make it work. I thought if we just seek counseling together then we could fix what was wrong. Sad to say but I was in a fix myself mode for years. I don’t remember coming out of this relationship and not blaming myself for something I did/said wrong. This didn’t help me heal, this just brought on more suffering, pain and more healing. Losing someone is hard. Often times people will shut down and turn away from love because the pain endured is so intense. Sometimes I thought “I would never open to love again. I discovered we walk through life with an iron gate around our hearts thinking it will protect us. We turn to anything that will numb the pain or keep jumping from one relationship to another thinking the pain will go away (I personally know someone who has done this and it didn’t work, It caused more heart ache and more healing needed on top of the healing they ran away from). We pass each other on the street without acknowledging that we are all in pain in some form or another. When others ask “How we are and we answer “fine” or “I’m great, no stress and a lot happier”, But don’t really mean it because we don’t want others to see our pain. What I have learned through this whole process is that healing is about being vulnerable, about showing who I really am and how I am really feeling. No more hiding, no more pretending that I am okay. Telling someone close to me how I am feeling and reaching out for support, helped me to see how many people in my life do love me and that there is nothing wrong with me that I need to fix, These amazing souls reflected back to me the love that I am. When this happened, I knew I didn’t have to search anywhere outside of myself anymore to find a way to fix myself or to feel loved and my heart started to open up. So as I sit here today, I can only share with you what I have learned. I have learned that only time, patience,self nurturing,support from loved ones and acceptance of what is (even if it sucks) will bring healing. I also learned that being vulnerable is Perfect. That allowing someone to see my pain allows them to really see me and relate to me. That opening up my heart and letting someone in, is not as scary as it seems and that staying shut down just creates more pain. That each time I speak a Truth, even if its painful, my heart melts and opens just a bit every time. I am DONE with fixing myself. Fixing just tells the universe that I do not think I am okay exactly how I am. It sends out the message that I am broken, that I am not an inherently perfect, loving being. When I send out that message, what do I get? Someone that will reflect that back to me. So, what have I learned from all of the pain and broken hearts I have endured? Is that only time will take away the pain, and as I am feeling the pain, opening up to the true love inside of myself and accepting myself exactly where I am, Broken heart and all will bring me back to what is really important… LOVE
I want to thank My Heavenly Father for His lead,guidance and lessons,His amazing Love for me,Comforting me through my pain,Providing strength when I need to persevere,and protecting me under His Wings where I remained safe and secure. To my 4 wonderful,amazing boys, I’m so blessed that God entrusted me to care and raise you on my own with Him as our solid foundation. Thank you for all you have put up with during this challenging and painful time in my life. We are a team, and I must say…A Great team.To all of my wonderful friends and love ones. For walking along side with me,listening and encouraging me to press on. The lessons and experiences in this relationship were needed in order for me to discover Who I am in a relationship and for Self Awareness,it also has given me the wisdom and knowledge I now have today.
To those woman who are in a relationship, If your not appreciated for Who you are today, Remember…Don’t settle for less than God’s BEST. He will bring the perfect man in His time to you. It will be PERFECT!
I will be taking a small break to enjoy being free at last and to breath the air back in my life.
God Bless You All,