Tag Archive | discovery

Opening My Heart To Love Again

I have been praying about sharing a painful time in my life and since I’m now healed from it,I am ready to write,blog and share about it.I do blog about my personal experiences, why leave this out.

A few months ago, I came out of a relationship with a guy I dated for 5 years on and off.There were a lot of break-ups and not something I can jump up and down about. I wish I can say “I want to take those times back, But the truth is, I wouldn’t change any of it simply because I learned a lot about myself in the relationship and about him as a person.I can honestly say that to this day, I have moments of heart wrenching pain, sadness that feels overwhelming, and tears that feel like they will fall forever. I often judged this pain as bad and thought to myself “I should be over this, why am I still feeling this much pain, I should be happy by now”, I start to “should” all over myself. Does this sound familiar? Whether its a broken heart or anything in life that feels challenging, so often I judged where I was versus just accepting it. This time though I at times feel pain in my heart, I think, “What do I really want in a relationship, in a partner and what is most important to me”. I started to realize that my life is precious, so I made a list to answer these questions.
1. Someone who believes and loves God.

2. Someone who will appreciate and accept me for Who I am.

3. Someone who will bring out the best in me.

4. Someone who will add value to my life.

5. Someone who loves themselves and is happy and content with their own life prior to being in a relationship. (This I say because if someone is not happy or content with their own life and or they don’t love themselves, Then this causes issues since they are seeking love from someone else to fulfill them instead of sharing their love with someone else. (I can get pretty deep on this subject, which is where I learned a lot.There is more to my list, But this is just a few.

I discovered that getting over a broken heart takes time, learning to open my heart again takes time, Its a process and its one that I need not take lightly. Loss is a big event in our lives and grieving a loss is what will help us to heal our hearts and bring us back to a place where we will be ready to love again. I remember after our break ups, I tried everything. I read books about relationships, self healing through a breakup, etc. Thinking that if I just work on myself, I will be able to heal my heart faster and call in my soul mate. WRONG! These were all just forms of looking outside of myself and thinking I needed to “fix” myself. I thought that if I would “fix” myself that I would be lovable and whatever I did in past relationships that didn’t work at the time, I would “fix” it. I would fix what was broken in me and then someone would really love me. The reality is that I had this backwards. As I went through the healing process, I kept hearing the words “You have to love yourself before you can love another or another can love you”. These thoughts swirled through my mind ringing Truth to me in so many ways, and they also brought to me a feeling that I would never find love until I fully, unconditionally loved myself. So yes I believe that we must love,take care and nurture ourselves and be in alignment with what our higher self wants. Loving ourselves is very important because when we stray from this, we will usually be presented with lessons when we don’t honor our own needs and start to give ourselves away, something will always be presented to us back to our center, even if its painful. I learned this the hard way. I was doing everything in my power to make it work. I thought if we just seek counseling together then we could fix what was wrong. Sad to say but I was in a fix myself mode for years. I don’t remember coming out of this relationship and not blaming myself for something I did/said wrong. This didn’t help me heal, this just brought on more suffering, pain and more healing. Losing someone is hard. Often times people will shut down and turn away from love because the pain endured is so intense. Sometimes I thought “I would never open to love again. I discovered we walk through life with an iron gate around our hearts thinking it will protect us. We turn to anything that will numb the pain or keep jumping from one relationship to another thinking the pain will go away (I personally know someone who has done this and it didn’t work, It caused more heart ache and more healing needed on top of the healing they ran away from). We pass each other on the street without acknowledging that we are all in pain in some form or another. When others ask “How we are and we answer “fine” or “I’m great, no stress and a lot happier”, But don’t really mean it because we don’t want others to see our pain. What I have learned through this whole process is that healing is about being vulnerable, about showing who I really am and how I am really feeling. No more hiding, no more pretending that I am okay. Telling someone close to me how I am feeling and reaching out for support, helped me to see how many people in my life do love me and that there is nothing wrong with me that I need to fix, These amazing souls reflected back to me the love that I am. When this happened, I knew I didn’t have to search anywhere outside of myself anymore to find a way to fix myself or to feel loved and my heart started to open up. So as I sit here today, I can only share with you what I have learned. I have learned that only time, patience,self nurturing,support from loved ones and acceptance of what is (even if it sucks) will bring healing. I also learned that being vulnerable is Perfect. That allowing someone to see my pain allows them to really see me and relate to me. That opening up my heart and letting someone in, is not as scary as it seems and that staying shut down just creates more pain. That each time I speak a Truth, even if its painful, my heart melts and opens just a bit every time. I am DONE with fixing myself. Fixing just tells the universe that I do not think I am okay exactly how I am. It sends out the message that I am broken, that I am not an inherently perfect, loving being. When I send out that message, what do I get? Someone that will reflect that back to me. So, what have I learned from all of the pain and broken hearts I have endured? Is that only time will take away the pain, and as I am feeling the pain, opening up to the true love inside of myself and accepting myself exactly where I am, Broken heart and all will bring me back to what is really important… LOVE

I want to thank My Heavenly Father for His lead,guidance and lessons,His amazing Love for me,Comforting me through my pain,Providing strength when I need to persevere,and protecting me under His Wings where I remained safe and secure. To my 4 wonderful,amazing boys, I’m so blessed that God entrusted me to care and raise you on my own with Him as our solid foundation. Thank you for all you have put up with during this challenging and painful time in my life. We are a team, and I must say…A Great team.To all of my wonderful friends and love ones. For walking along side with me,listening and encouraging me to press on. The lessons and experiences in this relationship were needed in order for me to discover Who I am in a relationship and for Self Awareness,it also has given me the wisdom and knowledge I now have today.

To those woman who are in a relationship, If your not appreciated for Who you are today, Remember…Don’t settle for less than God’s BEST. He will bring the perfect man in His time to you. It will be PERFECT!

I will be taking a small break to enjoy being free at last and to breath the air back in my life.

God Bless You All,
In Him,
Lourdes

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The Only Constant In Life is…CHANGE

Discovering my identity in changing times…

Its like a trend starts, picks up momentum and blows right past the point of balance and so it turns around and does the same thing in the opposite direction- Like a pendulum, swinging from side to side. Life is always in a state of motion and changes direction all the time. Now the question is… How do I believe I stay stable in motion?  I believe true stability is not in the absence of change, It is the ability to maintain balance in a changing world. As an individual, the challenge is to develop a strong inner sense of balance that is not easily disrupted by changing external influences. When I feel balanced in my life, my sense of identity is not threatened just because circumstances have changed. Meaning- I’m both adaptable and stable at the same time. By recognizing this and appreciating my own set of unique resources, strengths, values, and abilities, I then started to spend some time figuring out Who I Am as a person and connect with that person. I believe that some us have lost touch with our creative self by allowing the roles we play to define Who We Are as a person when it should be the other way around. From this perspective, the winds of the change can easily throw us off balance. I started to then think about outside influences that can throw me off. ( One example )

1. Associates- The attitude of close associates may have a powerful influence on my personal ideas and beliefs. Their opinions can actually precondition me to view things the way they do. I may value their opinions so much that I subconsciously adapt their viewpoint without any personal experience.

My life and its many pursuits should be an expression of my most cherished dreams and values. Not the ones dictated by others. I find that some people choose a life that is based on external criteria. They end up following a path that leads away from the expression of their True Self and then with each step, they actually distance themselves from the life they truly long for. Circumstances and friends have a way of changing. Sometimes they support our dreams and passions and other times they provide a challenge. So I keep my dreams alive in the face of challenging circumstances, this requires that I know Who I really Am and What I really want. Once I’m in touch with my True Self, the changes around me become much less influential, instead of my identity being anchored to external forces, it remains safe and secure no matter which way the winds of change decides to blow.

True Self

Who am I ? This question is not asking me, What’s my name, marital status, or life history. These may be a reflection of Who I am, But this question goes deeper than that. I ask myself “How well do I actually know this person” Like, “Who I am underneath all the trappings and titles” “What do I see when I look at my very core”, this inner person walking around in my body doing my job and managing my life. (My True Self). I remember as a child hearing “What do you want to be when you grow up?” This never sat well with me and I discovered why. I believe the question should be “Who do you want to be instead of “What”. In reality “What” is just a role we play and may have very little to do with our true identity as a person. So how can I align my  life with my True Self if I don’t know Who I Am? I believe that our ability to find meaning and purpose in this journey we call life hinges on how well we actually know ourselves. Discovering our True Self can open the door to a life that feels fulfilling and exciting. I started to think and discover about My True Self. My values- Things that matter the most to me on the deepest levels. My personal values and standards- Priorities and Beliefs. Understanding my strengths- My natural abilities that I posses and the ones I want to cultivate and develop. These are personal assets giving me a position in life. Knowing my passions- What am I passionate about? What activities and pursuits make me feel really alive. Identifying my tendencies- These often become habits either good or bad. Acknowledging my limits- Which skills or activities are beyond my  ability for that time. This way I can focus my energy where its the most effective. Since I know I can improve my abilities in most areas of life, I don’t view current limitations as permanent. I’m realistic in my personal assessment. Setting my goals- Things I want to really achieve, what person do I want to grow into. Clarity was very important when I started setting my goals, this lead to action,  because without clarity it can lead to confusion and inaction. I then established my direction, where my True Self will take me. Understanding All these, I then needed to have a destination to move towards, a direction. I didn’t worry about reaching my destination because reality is that its the journey that counts. So I picked a direction that represented genuine happiness and I moved towards it, and then just left life unfold. Taking time with getting to know my True Self was so important. I discovered the wonderful blends of amazing abilities and qualities I possess that’s also felt by others.

Working my way out of cocoon into becoming a Butterfly

I always loved butterflies and today I have an understanding why I love them so much. After discovering the process of a butterfly it gave me the understanding with where I was in my life and “who I am” today. I will explain for those of you who may not  know the process of a butterfly before it actually becomes a butterfly. So, before a caterpillar becomes a butterfly it prepares its cocoon as if it were dying, But what the caterpillar thinks is the end of its life, its actually “The Beginning”. It then sheds its skin which forms a chrysalis cocoon and goes inward for a few days. (Though for us in the process of life before discovering “Who we are”, (depending where you are in your life with yourself), it can take weeks, months or years). This process continues with it becoming a liquid (digestive soup). This liquid then chooses parts of the caterpillar to hold onto and kills the rest then creates new butterfly tissue. The butterfly then has to fight hard to get out of a the chrysalis (interesting thing is that if someone tries to help it during this process it dies). Its this process of fighting hard to get out that it gives the butterfly its strength and development that it needs to actually survive. Its then ready to learn to walk and fly. After learning about the process it takes before it becomes a Beautiful Butterfly, it was then I was able to say “I have been living as caterpillar, formed my cocoon, and have been in a puddle where I’m now fighting my way through (trials, circumstances all that life brings) learning and discovering more everyday of “Who I am”, I climbed out of what was holding me back, let go of what was not serving or supporting me, and now I’m able to fly, exploring all the beautiful new things life is bringing me. I’m enjoying every minute and embracing all the blessings in my life.  I would like to encourage you to discover where are you in your life? Are you a caterpillar knowing that its time to change and do something new? Are you paddling around in the puddle of the person you were trying to discover the person you were created to be? Or are you a butterfly thriving and soaring to new heights? For me… it seemed like I was waiting for affirmation on what to do next, looking at what lied before me, all the hard work, pushing and pressing through, knowing the pain it was going to cause from letting go, all the obstacles I was going to face (which I learned to embrace). I took the leap of faith and started to learn and unleash all I had hidden and stored inside to discovering “WHO I AM”. This has been a process, and all worthwhile. I embrace all of my life experiences, the good and the not so good (in which I would’t change) It is because of all these life experiences that I have the strength to keep moving forward, as I look upward reaching my dreams. I look  forward to sharing with you my journey as I continue walking, learning and growing experiencing my new heights. Blessings To All!